Thursday, 29 September 2011
We can't control our fate
Recently I have taken on a new outlook on life, I have always struggled with being a positive person, I worry about everything (mainly due to my severe anxiety) and I can never just relax and let things happen.
The problem I have had since having CFS is that I have made plans to do things (I will take a year out and then go and get my A Levels finished, for example) and when I have failed to do this because of my illness it has felt terrible. I don't know about others, but as someone who suffers from CFS I find that it makes you feel quite helpless, and when you start a project and you start to feel unwell and have to stop (admitting that it is time to stop is one of the most difficult things for me) it makes you feel like a failure.
Feeling like a failure because you are unwell, something which is completely out of your control, is ridiculous. And I know this, but that doesn't stop the extreme feelings of failure. Since I was 16 I worked so hard on trying to become a doctor, and when you fail to complete the steps to get there it starts to feel like the dream is getting further and further away.
During my holiday I learnt to let go completely, I lost my inhibitions, stopped worrying about what may or may not happen and just let myself relax. This was the first time I have ever been able to do this, and it felt amazing.
Since my holiday I have learnt to keep the feeling I had on holiday inside and use it in everyday life. I have realised I have tried to control my life so much to get what I wanted out of it but doing this has only made it more stressful.
For now, I take life as it comes. I still know what I want to do with my life but I have no plans. I will do it, but when it is right for me, and right now I don't have the space in my life and the ability to throw myself into something so draining.
As part of my new outlook, I am attempting to do things which are achievable. At the end of November I am booked to do a tandem skydive for the charity Baby Lifeline, I am nervous but so excited that even though I'm unwell I can have a unforgetful experience and feel a sense of achievement.
As they say, the road of life is a bumpy one. I will admit that I am not completely positive about everything. As my symptoms fluctuate I do go back to feeling useless and like I will never achieve anything again. But even a bit of positivity in life is better than none at all, so I am satisfied.
Posted by Hoff at 18:31