Hello again, it is a brand new day and time for a brand new post!
Something which has been on my mind a lot lately is my future. Since I was younger I had a clear image of what I wanted my future to be like; becoming a doctor, getting married, having children, the whole package. I even had a timeline of when I wanted all of this to happen. I am not at all naive, I didn't think it would all turn out exactly how I had imagined, but I never imagined that things would change drastically enough to uproot all my plans
For a while after my diagnosis I tried to carry on with the plan. Starting with finishing my A Levels. Looking back, this was my way at desperately clinging on to the life I had before my illness, at the time I was in complete denial. I was convinced I was doing the right thing, and that if I made myself worse it would be worth it in the end (ridiculous I know!). Eventually the illness took over completely and I had no choice in the matter, it was time to give up on finishing my education for now.
This was an extremely difficult thing for me to do, this was the last part of my life before CFS, and I hated the feeling of giving up on holding on to that. This decision also brought up a lot of questions about the rest of my future. If I never got back into education there was no way of becoming a doctor as I had always dreamed. The idea of giving up on this dream felt like a dagger to the heart. I had a passion for medicine and had been studying and learning about everything I needed to know since I was in my early teens. I knew being a doctor was what I was meant to do, but maybe now I would have to construct a completely different life to the one I had imagined.
I made the decision to leave part-time education around 6 months ago, and I have only just began to get my head around the idea of adapting my future to fit in with my illness. There is still a chance I can get the life I imagined, and if I don't well then I will just have to cope won't I! Things change, and we need to adapt. One lesson I have learnt is that I was actually quite closed-minded about what my future could be, since I have been forced to look at the alternative ideas it has shown me that there is so much more out there
Lately the best thing I have found is to try and avoid dwelling too much on what my future will hold. It is time to stop fighting against Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and listen to my symptoms. I need to take time for myself, and that is what I intend on doing. For the time being I am going to put all my effort and concentration into getting through this ordeal. The more you fight against CFS, the worse it hits back at you.
Showing posts with label Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Show all posts
Friday, 5 August 2011
Sunday, 24 July 2011
Making the best out of a bad situation
You may read my last few posts and think "my god that sounds awful", and yes it can be. But that doesn't mean it is all bad. I was once asked if I could find a way to go back and prevent myself from developing Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, would I do it? You are thinking the clear answer is yes. What insane person would choose to go through something so awful?
Well after a minute or so of careful thinking, I replied no. No, I would not prevent myself from developing this horrible illness.
At this point you may be thinking that I am completely insane, perhaps you are right. But before you decide for definite, hear me out.
My reason for that answer was simple. Before I got ill my biggest problems were things like not being able to buy the pair of shoes I saw in the shop and had decided I must have, or that the boy I fancied didn't feel the same about me. Since experiencing all the things that come along with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome I have realised that these issues are nothing compared to some of the things that other people go through. Who would be worrying about what shoes they own when they can't even get out of bed in the morning? Not me that's for sure!
Basically, going through issues everyday which the average, healthy person would dread, makes you put things into perspective. When you have to struggle just to complete the most basic things in your day to day life (getting out of bed, brushing your teeth, washing yourself, eating, etc.) things which once seemed important, no longer seem to be so.
Something which would mean hardly anything to someone without a serious illness, is something special to a Chronic Fatigue sufferer. I have had mornings where a polite bit of a chat from a delivery man has felt like the best present ever. You have to understand, often I spend day after day alone in my house, watching repeats on tv, eating the food I have kept close to the bed so I don't have to battle the stairs too often, and having a few naps. To you that delivery man may have seemed nosey, bothersome, or even rude. But to me he was a burts of fresh air in my otherwise mundane day.
It is so important not to stress over the small things, and to not take life for granted. I may get upset with those that have less problems than myself and who complain relentlessly, but I am well aware that there are those so much worse off than myself who would look at my problems and wish to trade places.
So basically, although I don't enjoy most of what comes with the illness, and I would be extremely happy for it to go away now I've endured it for a few years, I wouldn't like to give up the lessons I've learnt and the new perspective it has given me.
Well after a minute or so of careful thinking, I replied no. No, I would not prevent myself from developing this horrible illness.
At this point you may be thinking that I am completely insane, perhaps you are right. But before you decide for definite, hear me out.
My reason for that answer was simple. Before I got ill my biggest problems were things like not being able to buy the pair of shoes I saw in the shop and had decided I must have, or that the boy I fancied didn't feel the same about me. Since experiencing all the things that come along with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome I have realised that these issues are nothing compared to some of the things that other people go through. Who would be worrying about what shoes they own when they can't even get out of bed in the morning? Not me that's for sure!
Basically, going through issues everyday which the average, healthy person would dread, makes you put things into perspective. When you have to struggle just to complete the most basic things in your day to day life (getting out of bed, brushing your teeth, washing yourself, eating, etc.) things which once seemed important, no longer seem to be so.
Something which would mean hardly anything to someone without a serious illness, is something special to a Chronic Fatigue sufferer. I have had mornings where a polite bit of a chat from a delivery man has felt like the best present ever. You have to understand, often I spend day after day alone in my house, watching repeats on tv, eating the food I have kept close to the bed so I don't have to battle the stairs too often, and having a few naps. To you that delivery man may have seemed nosey, bothersome, or even rude. But to me he was a burts of fresh air in my otherwise mundane day.
It is so important not to stress over the small things, and to not take life for granted. I may get upset with those that have less problems than myself and who complain relentlessly, but I am well aware that there are those so much worse off than myself who would look at my problems and wish to trade places.
So basically, although I don't enjoy most of what comes with the illness, and I would be extremely happy for it to go away now I've endured it for a few years, I wouldn't like to give up the lessons I've learnt and the new perspective it has given me.
Saturday, 23 July 2011
Much needed support
Everybody needs support from others, whether they admit it or not. Having support means you can achieve things you never thought you would be able to, and can experience things you never dreamed of. And more simply than that, it means you have someone to share the good times with, and to lean on during the bad times.
For sufferers of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome having help and support is, in my opinion, the most important thing. When you have someone to turn to, to distract you from the day-to-day problems, to wipe away the tears, and to keep you company during the lonely times, life doesn't seem so hopeless.
Over the last few years I have discovered that it is true what people say, you really do find out who your true friends are during times of hardship. Before I was diagnosed I would have told you that I had many good friends who I'm sure would be there for me if I needed them, but during the course of my illness I discovered that I was wrong. Many of those that I thought would be there, gradually faded away, a few appeared every now and again, and a small number were always there; holding my hand during the pain, telling me jokes to stop the tears and reminding me that it was all going to be okay.
I have never been one to ask for pitty, I feel incredibly uncomfortable when people tell me they feel bad for me because "it must be so awful to have chronic fatigue syndrome!". I understand why they say it, but this is my way of coping. Despite this I do sometimes need some support, especially during the hard times. Times when I am low, when I am in agony for days on end, or just days when I don't have the energy to leave the house. During these times, I don't know what I would do without a bit of support. (Well I tell a lie, I have felt like I had no support and it did not go well for me, but we can discuss that incident at a later date.)
To anyone who is reading this who has not gone through a problem similar to this, people turning their back on you during hard times may seem like the worst thing possible. But this is not the case. For me, the worst experiences I had were to have friends who said they would be there for me, and then couldn't cope, and left me to cope alone. During times like these I would question whether anyone would want to be with me, romantically or just for friendship. Could anyone really put up with all the stress that comes with this condition? The frustration of not being able to help in any way? Not knowing how the other person is feeling, and having to experience the extremely steep learning curve that comes with chronic fatigue syndrome?
For a while I believed that all this was true, it was hard enough for me to learn to adapt to such a life changing illness, I could never expect anyone else to do that for me.
But recently I have realised I was wrong. I was so damn wrong! I realised I had been focusing far too much on the people that couldn't cope and not enough on those who had been quietly following behind to catch me when I fell. Looking back now I see that there were some people who took it upon themselves to take on my problems and do their very best to support me whenever they could.
I have now come to the conclusion that it is not the illness which is forcing people away, it is them. Some people have the capacity to cope with all the crap which comes with being close to someone who is going through so much on a daily basis, and those that can't are not bad people, they are just different. If you find that you are being let down, and are not getting enough support from certain people, then it is probably time to accept that the chances are that you will never get the support you are so desperate for. But if you are lucky like me, you may also turn around to find those loyal few who have been there for you, every single step of the way.
For sufferers of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome having help and support is, in my opinion, the most important thing. When you have someone to turn to, to distract you from the day-to-day problems, to wipe away the tears, and to keep you company during the lonely times, life doesn't seem so hopeless.
Over the last few years I have discovered that it is true what people say, you really do find out who your true friends are during times of hardship. Before I was diagnosed I would have told you that I had many good friends who I'm sure would be there for me if I needed them, but during the course of my illness I discovered that I was wrong. Many of those that I thought would be there, gradually faded away, a few appeared every now and again, and a small number were always there; holding my hand during the pain, telling me jokes to stop the tears and reminding me that it was all going to be okay.
I have never been one to ask for pitty, I feel incredibly uncomfortable when people tell me they feel bad for me because "it must be so awful to have chronic fatigue syndrome!". I understand why they say it, but this is my way of coping. Despite this I do sometimes need some support, especially during the hard times. Times when I am low, when I am in agony for days on end, or just days when I don't have the energy to leave the house. During these times, I don't know what I would do without a bit of support. (Well I tell a lie, I have felt like I had no support and it did not go well for me, but we can discuss that incident at a later date.)
To anyone who is reading this who has not gone through a problem similar to this, people turning their back on you during hard times may seem like the worst thing possible. But this is not the case. For me, the worst experiences I had were to have friends who said they would be there for me, and then couldn't cope, and left me to cope alone. During times like these I would question whether anyone would want to be with me, romantically or just for friendship. Could anyone really put up with all the stress that comes with this condition? The frustration of not being able to help in any way? Not knowing how the other person is feeling, and having to experience the extremely steep learning curve that comes with chronic fatigue syndrome?
For a while I believed that all this was true, it was hard enough for me to learn to adapt to such a life changing illness, I could never expect anyone else to do that for me.
But recently I have realised I was wrong. I was so damn wrong! I realised I had been focusing far too much on the people that couldn't cope and not enough on those who had been quietly following behind to catch me when I fell. Looking back now I see that there were some people who took it upon themselves to take on my problems and do their very best to support me whenever they could.
I have now come to the conclusion that it is not the illness which is forcing people away, it is them. Some people have the capacity to cope with all the crap which comes with being close to someone who is going through so much on a daily basis, and those that can't are not bad people, they are just different. If you find that you are being let down, and are not getting enough support from certain people, then it is probably time to accept that the chances are that you will never get the support you are so desperate for. But if you are lucky like me, you may also turn around to find those loyal few who have been there for you, every single step of the way.
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